Life ain't always beautiful

It has been a while, no? Yes.

Thanksgiving was eventful...

I saw 4 Christmases Black Friday which was hysterical. I love love love Vince Vaughn.

1 week from today is the David Cook show in Columbus. I'm on the edge of my seat with excitement.

We moved offices at work and I am incredibly in love with the new office. IT'S PERFECTION.

Um, went shopping and to Starbucks with Ash and Bethie tonight...twas a much needed intervention. And here's where we get to the depressing part. I told you all in the very beginning that I'd be honest with you and here it comes, head on. Miss Happy Go Lucky isn't so much these days.

My grandpa came thisclose [if not closer] to dieing on Thanksgiving. Now he's....

...well now we're moving foward and taking each day in strides. They pretty much told us they found traces of alzheimers...

I think we already knew that, just hearing it from a medical perspective kind of slapped us in the face.

And they bascially told my grandma she's never going to be able to take him home again. They've been married for 53 years and now he can't go back home.

We all realized that as well, but once again we got slapped in the face with honesty.

I don't know why I keep saying "they basically told us" "they pretty much said"

No in all actuality...they told us, they said it. That's just the denial slowly creeping out.

Grandpa today is not grandpa 2 years ago...or even 1 year ago for that matter. One of the strongest men I knew has now become the weakest. My pappy, grandpa, and dad are the only men in my life I consider amongst the strongest.

It's hard to watch a man who never gave up on ANYTHING...giving up on life. I was 3 years old when he promised me he'd live to be 100. My nana used to tease back and say she'd live to be 101...

Well my grandpa is 79 and will be 80 next September. If he goes now he'll owe me 20 years.

Selfish...I'm being selfish. This is what he needs. He just needs to go to the nursing home and just be. Let it be, right? God knows what he's doing and I trust that. I have faith in knowing that.

It's just going to get harder...and harder...and harder with each passing day. I'm losing hope with the only man who has ever hoped the best life has to offer for me.

These are David's lyrics about his brother battling a brain tumor, but every time I hear it I think of my grandpa, so I'm going to break down the song so you see how it relates.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
[I only remember my grandpa crying a handful of times my entire life but here recently it seems it's all he does]
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won’t go away today
[He promised me 100 years damn it]

Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
[You're never alone grandpa, we're always in your heart]
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head
I’m permanent
[I'm always going to be your only granddaughter, nothing can change that]

I know he’s living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God, is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say, it’s all touch and go, I wish I could make it go away
[God please make it go away...at least make it easier]

But still you say
Will you think that you’re all alone when no one’s there to hold your hand?
[I can see in your eyes that you feel like we've given up, but just know that we haven't]
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head
I’m permanent
I’m permanent
[We're permanent...we're your family]

Is the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you’ll never see me cry
[Please don't cry anymore grandpa, this is how it's meant to be]

I love you, forever and always: